You're my little dorito
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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