I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
