I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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