i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
