i jhust puked up my retainher.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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