I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
Pick me up at 9.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him