You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
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My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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