Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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