She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
