I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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