You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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