Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Houston, we have a squirter
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
