The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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