I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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