I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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