Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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