where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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