The maid of honor just puked.
I just saw a hot homeless man
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
