When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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