Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
