i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize