I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
