the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
