I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
