those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
