You just made me feel so damn special
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
