I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
