I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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