: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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