New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
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I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
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Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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