He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
