Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
