Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
