I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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