why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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