i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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