My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
