DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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