don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
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Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
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I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.