how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
