I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
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so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
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No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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