My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
soo... how was my night?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
