I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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