i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
