I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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