Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
farters have to be the big spoon...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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