His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
