No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
