its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
