I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
