This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
