I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
