We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
