she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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