is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
