Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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