Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
