If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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