I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
